Life has changed

Update: On April 25, 2016, our little girl was born. After countless shots, ultrasounds, acupuncture, supplements …we were finally pregnant in August. The first transfer failed, but with the second one came our little miracle. She is perfect, and loved like no tomorrow. We have our challenging days with her as well, but what baby doesn’t cry or have trouble sleeping at night …it is what it is. Life is different; and yeah I do miss our trips to our favorite restaurants, drinking beer, or catching up on our shows. We take it as a new chapter in our lives.

I will update soon about the rest of the things that are happening once I sort out what it is I want to say.

misunderstood

We planned this trip to SF next week. My hubby was going to attend some conferences, and asked if I wanted to tag along. I figured it would be fun, and maybe I could see my cousins. At first I was under the impression, we would have a rental car, but then after talking with my husband we decided against it. We wouldn’t really need a car to get to the hotel, since my brother and sister agreed to pick us up and hang out the whole day. Plus, we can just uber/taxi it in SF. I had mentioned to my cousins that I would be in town and maybe we could hang out. The older one, who I will call Bambi, was all about hanging out and said the rest of cousins would be getting together that weekend too. I had told her we would have a car, but after talking with the hubby; I said it would be iffy. Then I told her the next morning it would be a no. I also added that we could get together at a different time and for them to have fun. No response to my text all day. Trust me, she looked at her phone. Her husband comments on how she’s on her phone all day. I happened to text Bambi’s sister in law and ask about the name of the drag queen club she went in SF. She gave it to me, but no mention of “hey you’re coming to town” or “can’t wait to see you”. I remember making a comment to Bambi that if we don’t get a rental car …maybe someone from there could pick us up. No response. I felt kind of like an inconvenience. So I ended up talking to Bambi’s sister about it. I said I was sad, and if they had come to Seattle I would have made it a point to come get them no matter where they were. I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. I think she tried to play devils advocate but it wasn’t really helping. Then I get a text from Bambi …”so what are your plans”? In my head, I was thinking …”uh, I texted you already this morning.” Then she went on to ask what my exact plans were …and she kept asking …as if she would change her plans around so she could work in something with me. I again mentioned why don’t you girls come to SF. She ignored it, and then asked if I could catch the BART and meet her in Emeryville. Well, at this point I knew there was no chance they would come to SF …and just said “yes, that would work.” On top of that, Bambi’s sister in law texts …”so what did your husband want to eat when you guys come here on the 20th? I got meat for all of us.” Ugh, so i texted back and said “oh didn’t Bambi tell you, we don’t have a car so we won’t be able to make it.” There was the end of that conversation.
I am not complaining. I think I have known for a while Bambi and the sister in law are like this. I can remember when the sister in law told me she was coming to Seattle, and I had requested time off. I was asking her what they wanted to do, and where they wanted to eat, and then last minute she tells me that they weren’t coming. I also recall when I picked Bambi and her family from the Seattle airport, driving them to Kirkland while I was working (her husband said it was cheaper to get a car there than the airport, its at least 35 minutes away), and I still had to go see a patient. Or when I drove to Cali because we decided to through a luau party for Bambi’s sister in law and daughter, and since I had all the decorations …I thought instead of flying I could drive there.
I think I have to accept the fact that just because I may do things because they’re family and I want to help; they may not reciprocate. My husband said that maybe they’re not giving you the same respect that you give them, and felt that my brother was better at knowing how they are. He is probably right, and I think I can be sensitive at times. Well, whatever. It is what it is, and there are plenty of people that I can count on. 😊

I feel like an unaccomplished mountain climber

I know, what in the heck does my title mean?
I swear sometimes I think I have solved all the world’s problems, and I feel so accomplished. It feels great knowing you are on to something, and no one knows anything about it.
I thought I had found the perfect girl for my brother. She seems accomplished, sweet, funny, and enjoys working out. I thought, “She is perfect for my bro.” I was really thinking if I should even bring it up to her since she is a family friend’s daughter through my husband. I was thinking, “why not?” Everytime I see her, she is complaining about how she has no love life. She is also on a dating site for indians, so why not?! I brought it up to her, and she seemed open to the idea. I gave her my brother’s email, and she gave me her’s. He seemed open to the idea as well. They started emailing, and it seemed as if things were going well. Then he texted me, and said “I don’t think she is really into talking or getting to me.” What the hell?! She was the one that even complained about how she was talking to a guy, and how she was doing all the talking. I was so surprised. My brother is a good looking guy, funny, and smart …so it is beyond me why she wouldn’t even try. My brother was like if she was excited she would also put an effort into texting or email, but she really didn’t. It really bothers him that if she isn’t interested why wouldn’t you just say so. *sigh* that reminds me of my dating life. Man, we just want someone to be honest instead of dragging shit on. Hopefully, she really puts an effort in it or tells him she isn’t interested. What bothers me is I even had the conversation with her about telling people if you aren’t interested in them. ARGHHHH, what is wrong with chicks these days?! Anyways, so it felt like I had built this mountain …one rock at a time .. climbed it … and I was standing at the top … and all of a sudden of of the rocks loosens and I start tumbling. I really hope she is nice enough to let him know she isn’t interested. He sent a nice email saying he understands that people get busy, and left it at that.
I am over the embryo transfer not being successful. It is what it is. I am just taking one day at a time. We have an appointment with the doc tomorrow. I can’t make it, so the hubby will go at it alone. Is it weird I feel like the doc seems to do better with my husband, I don’t know why I feel intimidated. So back to the drawing board.
Other than that …Just catching up on some reading …Just finished Chef by Jaspreet Singh. I wanted more, and was disappointed that I didn’t know more about the character. I feel so dissatisfied with endings sometimes.
Will be heading to LA for a wedding this weekend as well. *sigh* sometimes I just want to be home and veg. :/

it’s a no-go.

*sigh* I am going in for an hcg test, but its pretty obvious that the embryo transfer did not work. I have had spotting all week, and now its bright red. Well, I had prepared myself. My other half thought I was being really negative, I said I was being realistic. This whole thing really sucks.

Almost done with Round #2

Yep, and this time it went better. The RE decided to go with an antagonist protocol. So we started off with birth control, and then went straight into the gonal and menopur. After some blood draws and ultrasounds, I started Cetrotide a few days later. My estradiol level started at 20 to 300, and then from 300 to 800; the latest being 2200. Last time I was soooo slow-20, 39, 101 …I always wondered if the Lupron was too suppressing. I feel much better mood-wise too. I think any day now we will go on for the egg retrieval. I will keep everyone updated.
It has been kind of a rough two weeks. My MIL is out of the country, so we have been splitting our time between his mom’s house and ours. Today, I am at the MIL’s house ..and as soon as the hubby arrives I will be heading to our house. I have an appointment in the morning for a blood draw and ultrasound, and the place is closer to our house. I am just exhausted. She will be back in a few days, and I can’t wait to get back to our usual routine.
My exercising is taking a back seat until we get through with this cycle. I haven’t been doing my balance exercises, either. Ugh, I just miss being in our home.
Ok, I just wanted to give you all an update.

I got in Trouble Today!

This month has been better for me, especially since I am not on any of the hormonal shots! Sadly, that will soon come to an end as soon as Aunt Flow makes a visit. I have continued to take the vitamins. There is no way I can take 2 tablets three times a day. They freakin’ stink. I consider it a good day if I can get 2 of them down a day.
I have not been running at all. I started to have left knee pain and shin splints in my right leg. I started PT recently, and I went in today. I asked her when I could start running again, and she asked how often I was doing the exercises she prescribed. I lied, I told her twice so far. The truth is I haven’t even looked at them! :/ I don’t have the time, but I think if I want to start running again I better do them. She made me get on the treadmill, and said “okay, let’s see how you do.” She barely had it at 4.0 and I said my knee was starting to hurt. I have to do these everyday for the next 4 weeks to get to where I want to be. I also realized how off balance I was … whenever I go in for PT, they make me do all these balance exercises and I feel like I am drunk! Ugh, I never realized how bad it was!!! See, as we speak … I could be doing the exerices. I felt like I had not given an update in a while, but I think because I was feeling better..blogging sort of slipped my mind.
FYI …I really recommend StitchFix to every woman out there! I have such a cute wardrobe because of them!! 🙂 And super comfy jeans!! Thank you, StitchFix.
What else? What else? I had a good time with my sister. I felt bad since I had a semi cold and really wasn’t able to take her out as much as I would have liked to. Next time. She volunteers at a juvenile hall and works with the girls. It is so sad when I hear about some of the girls. One girl is 13, and drinks alcohol and skipping school. I know we can’t fix everybody, but I got her some books to read to possibly pass the time and open her eyes to different ideas. She finished reading Random Family, and was so curious about the what happened to the family in the end. She also just finished Flowers for Algernon. I really hope that we can get her to understand that there is more to drinking alcohol at the age of 13. There is more to the story, I just gave the basics. Anyone else know what can be said to a 13 year old to get her motivated about going to school? Or any other suggestions for books? Her next books are Gone With the Wind and Little Women. 🙂
Anyways, I better get to doing these PT exercises. I need to start somewhere. Next entry will be about the start of next IVF cycle.

hormones

I never realized how much of a b**** I was when I was taking all those meds for IVF. I have been off of them for a week or so, and I feel good. That stuff is awful. I was so angry, and everything was making me mad. I think my husband was probably right. I did start taking a supplement to see if it helps this time around. They are so pricey, but I heard super good things. However, a one month supply is 100 dollars! They are gross! They smell bad, and you take 2 of them three times a day! At this rate, I will try anything! If anyone is interested, they are called coast science. On another note, I lost 12 pounds. I can’t believe I let myself get to the weight I did! At the best, I was 135 …and at my worst, I was 172!! I am so embarrassed to even say that! I am down to 160, I think for the most part it is because I have been exercising. It is hard to do sometimes, I have issues with shin splints and the back of my legs. I ran a 5k in 33.15 yesterday, and it felt great! I am also meeting up with my trainer today at 2 pm. She is so sweet, and even mentioned that she too had gone through IVF, and understood the excitement and stress of it. *sigh* the only thing that I am not looking forward to is thinking of the anniversary date of my father in law’s death. It never does get easier, be it year 1 or year 20. That too shall pass, though. I am looking forward to my sister and best friend visiting next week! I should get myself into gear about cleaning the house! Until next time …

Negativity

I feel like this whole blog is one giant complaint. I was thinking of how negative this blog must sound, or what a whiner I sound like. Life isn’t so bad, sometimes it is just hard to deal with. Sometimes, I want to curl up in a blanket and spend my whole day there. I feel like there are days I just want to stay home and not talk to anyone. We all feel like that, but I hope that I am able to write something positive once in a while. The days I do write is when I probably feel the worse, or I am feeling low and am finding it difficult to climb out of the black hole. It isn’t so bad. I am very lucky actually. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful home by the lake, a great job that I get loads of satisfaction from, and very supportive friends/family. I feel whomever we meet in this life; there must be a connection from our past life. Either we must have done something to them or they to us, and somehow we owe them or they owe us…and until this debt is met we may keep meeting. Anyways, my goal is to make sure I put something positive in here as well. Haha, please feel free to keep me on track.

Switching it up

Plan has changed. We are not going to transfer any of the 2 that we got. My husband went in yesterday to talk to the doctor. I had to work, and also didn’t want to be there. Basically, the doctor was surprised that so many went kaput. He thinks possibly the egg quality may have been effected by the endometriosis. He is going to change up the protocols, and we are going to try again with another round. We also felt if he did have have any fair embryos; this time we would implant those as fresh and see what happens. We lost the other two fair ones because they were not good enough to freeze. Does anyone take co q 10? I was reading that may be helpful for egg quality. If we get two more good embryos, I will be ok with that. Everyday is not a struggle, yesterday was a pretty good day. I have a headache today…hormones? Grinding my teeth? Dehydrated? Maybe a little rest for a month, and a fresh start is what we both need. Sometimes I feel like I am supporting my husband through this more than he is to me. I feel like I have to tell him it’ll be ok …”it takes a few rounds sometimes” “we are doing a different protocol now” …blah blah blah. I wish he would read more about it and fill me in. Gosh, even in my spare time I am reading about it (then I get in trouble for being on my phone!) Today is Friday, and I think I owe myself some exercise!